These are my thoughts and feelings.

Im not the type of person who hates everything, im not the kind of guy that likes everything either. Im not a picky person or anything like that. ive been depressed for years. i know whats the cause for all that, the problem is that im not trying to fix myself. thats where all my anger and hatred towards humanity come from. im seeing a psychologist to debate my feelings on people but i dont think my pshycolocigst udnerstands me. im only 17, she keeps saying that im too "mature" for my age. when i look around, i can see it. all my peers are into sexual content and weed. cigars, boozes, everything shitty. i dont even know what purpose they feel to harm themselves like that. to feel good? okay, i get it. everyone has their own preference. but me? im not into any of them. maybe its because the things ive happened to live in the past. im not a person with perfect mental health, i can assure that. but i dont think any of my peers are any good either.

my feelings, emotions and thoughts havent formed in a single instance. it took years to get to this point. as you people know, its hard to see humans with a naked eye. people always judge and make up faces for people themselves. people misunderstand, people fight and argue. i dont want any of that to happen. they can happen, i dont care, just dont get me involved. over years, ive became a chill person. i am diagnosed with ADHD -if it even does anything with this, i dont care- and as i see most of the people who also suffers from adhd are not chill like me. im just thinking it may be a misdiagnose for me but i cant deny the fact that i cant do a single thing properly.

the more i get to know people around me, the more i get disgusted and hate them. i cant believe humans are like this. not some of them, i think all fo the humans (including me) has this weird side of them. i dont want to be like that, but i cant help it. humans are considered as "apex species" but in my opinion none of the apex species must build their own ruin, right? cant you humans see how we all are destroying our own selves? this is making me sick. destroy, build, consume and destroy again. the cycle never ends. the bureaucracy is formed within lies and tricks upon people. some of you guys seem to understand and take action, some of you guys still see but are too lazy to take action, and some of you are just straight up stupid. i dont care at this point. cause ive seen that even if we take action we wont be able to change anything. the democracy is flawed and corrupted. some people try to "fix" this, and some people try to terrorize the nation. i will keep this part of my pharagraph open so i can contiue write my feelins later.

as i said, humans have a weird side. its not weird you might say, its "natural". its in humans habitat to act this way. humans are SELFISH PRICKS they are DISGUSTING PIECES OF SHITS. and so i am. im not denying that im such an ugly person. but atleast im aware of this. everyday there are more shitty news on the TV. life sucks. sometimes i just want to be a patch of grass. short lived, that way i could enjoy life in some way. life is tiring. humans just never get tired of wanting more. it could be okay if we just want to be happy, but no, we want to be better than others. we want to be the best. we want to be the richest. we want to be the most powerful. we want to be the most popular. we want to be the most handsome. everything is about being better than others. its disgusting. i dont care if you are better than me, i dont care if you are worse than me, just leave me alone. i dont care about your life, just let me live mine in peace. humans are so selfish that they cant even let other people live their lives in peace. they have to interfere with other people's lives and make them miserable as well. thats why ive tried killing myself several times. im so sick of this world.

i was only 11. the country i live in, the state the world is in was disgusting as always. im not coming from a rich family. thats why my parents always forced me to study hard to become a great person. this study isnt easy. theres an exam that can be taken only once. if you fail, your whole life is doomed, they say. the worst fucking part is that i was only a child back then. my little brother had health problems, my parents were dealing with him all day and they exploded on me at night. i was getting bullied at school, being a miserable loner who tried to be the class clown so at least a few people can be friends with me, but no. teachers had high expectations of me just because i was a kind person, and so my parents did. my gardes high but my trial exam results were shit. id cry myself to sleep at night just for my mom to tell me "its because of the tablet you were staring the whole night, isnt it?" and then they would proceed to take my devices away. i only had my flipphone and mp3 player anyway. these psychological tortures never came to an end and continued to kill me bit by bit. the exams were going heavy on me too, i never had a break. i could feel all of the force on me. it turned into depression by time. i shutted myself in, never got out. i slowly cut out my friends from my life. i was fine like this. i built my own walls to my self. i never let aynone in. i distanced myself from the social world i belonged in before. the people i knew were saying "this isnt th C i remember". too bad, i cant remember myself either. life goes on.

experiences i had had an impulse on my life and my choices. i was raped when i was 7 and 13. this made me hate males in general. i felt more comfortable around girls. tho i was more comfortable around them it didnt make me like them. i dont like anyone. persons ive counted and trusted on all betrayed me and hurt me deep inside only for their own feelings, own selfishness. and all these words, all these sentences, thats what im talking about. humans should be allowed to hate humans. now im too tired. too tired to think, to do anything in general. i want to kill myself but i cant even do that because im exhausted. whenever i say "ill do it this time" i just lay down on the ground with the knife in my hand. its cold.
no one should feel like this.
or maybe everyone should feel like this.
if it wasnt me, if it was another person, i would say "get help". but i know that i wont get help. i dont want to get help. i dont want to be fixed. im not broken. im just tired of this world and the people in it. im tired of being a part of this world. im tired of being a human. im tired of being alive. im tired of being me.
with all my emotions and thoughts formed, if it wasnt me who was thinking all this towards humanity, with all this hate, something else couldve been happened. i dont have anything in my hands to change humanity and im not planning to try to change it, but if it was a commander with a twisted mind instead of me bad things couldve happened. honestly, i dont care if humanity is destroyed or not. i actually cant wait to see how we all will die. will it be nuclear wars? or will it be an ai takeover? or maybe we just run out of resources in earth. that would be funny. i dont care how civillians will die. im a civillian myself. but i cant wait to see how rich will die.