its been ages since ive last really got concenstartercted (cant spell) in a class. ive learnt some stuff actually this time and teachers werent really mean to me. somedays everything seems so pressuring and processing everything happening is too messy for my head. these days are blurry, its good for me. because it means less to understand . i feel empty and thats what im used to.
i remember crying for hours at nights when i was at middle school because of this feeling. i didnt remember about it until now. oh my god. the pain i felt truely gruesome. the emptiness of life, the pointless my aim is, the pressure from the air just wanted me to slit my throat. mind you i was only 12 back then. this wasnt just a feeling, it formed into a physical thing by time and that was the worst feeling ever. on top of my stomach, i felt so empty. you know the feeling when you forget something? the distress that never leaves until you relieve it. that feeling was constant. it was so uncomfortable for me. i wasnt forgetting anything. living and being alive made me uncomfortable. my surroundings felt so bigger than me. i couldnt reach any of the person i wanted to. i tried to cope with my feelings by writing poems and songs. it worked at some point and cheered me even a little. but i still ended up with marks on my body. sometimes i wonder how i would end up if i went to another high school? going to a science high school was the best for me . i wanted to change schools cause i dont really do science but my town is small. there are a few highschools i can go to, and they are filled with my middle school bullies. phoh shit i forgot tottake my meds
that feeling of emptiness have turned to something more haunting by time. the pains i mentioned earlier in my other entries wasnt made by the bird, probably, but because of this neverending feeling. also, the bird died
i used to imagine things in middle school. sometimes i couldnt look at the lanter posts because i would imagine someone being hanged from their lungs there. i never consumed gore media at that time and i dont even know why i had these disturbing hallucinations. it made my stomach crawl inside sometimes but i got used to them and they disappeared by time.
im nothing to others. im nothing to earth. because to be someone is to be successful in their eyes. im not successful in my academic life nor my social life. its my choice to only draw and draw and draw. but sometimes i feel stupid. im stupid and tired of myself, of my stupid life choices, my stupid brain that works as shitty as others, my stupid feet that lead me to nowhere but dead ends. i cant even be happy that im not like others anymore. i dont want to be recognized anyway. THATS THE WEIRD PART. i dont want to be seen but i still feel weird when im feeling.... i dont know. empty? no oneless? people say that humans need humans but i dont think so. one goes crazy when there is no communication . there are novels and movies about this but i think thats not the same thing im talking about. im talking about less communication and less socialising, not being the only human in the world and forever alone. i still go to school, see dumb people and sigh to myself. not academically tho, logically.