there is nothing wrong with me there id nothing wr9ng with my life i dont know why im feing this way. im tired everything thats bad is because of me, the one to fix them is me and the one who creates them is also me. the only flaw is that i dont want to fix them. my mom says that im lazy and i guess thats it. i dont give effort to fix my grades or make friends. im alone and i want to be alone forever.
im already going to a psychologist . i can tell that i have a few issues in my mental state but i dont want to be diagnosed with anything, i dont want to limit myself with stupid borders that labels me with illness names. it feels like im attention seeking. so what if im a bipolar depressed freak? do you even have to know that? its stupid.
im harmless. only harmful to myself. and the thing is, that its okay. as long as im not bothering anhyone else. its not like peoplr are supposed to care anyway. i dont care. i dont wwnt thrm to care about me.
i dont need medication. it doeent work anyway. the only. thing that would work is just mr ending my life and thats a hard thinf to do.
i love my little brotjer so much. he lov3s me as well. im the best sister for him. the only thing i like doing im this world is probably helping out peoe that i find similar to myself. no, i wont help you if youre a cutecore self harm freak, no i wont help you if you like gore or any stuff
its a personal grudge i hold against those people. i cant explain why, they piss me off so much. im not telling that they dont have their own struggles, but as much as i try to help others, i advice tjem to see a real psychologist or such, i wont help.
i mostly help people who are younger than me. i give the. relationship advice, advice on how to get our of some shithole, or how to not limit yourself and socialise with world. and sometimes while telling them what to do i feel like an evil parent forcing their child to do thinfs theh coudlnt.
i have a friend called K, im trying to save her from an abusive household. we made plans, she will study hard and get an internship, we will build her portfolio and linkedin, get a reference letter from a trusted teacher and such. yes, i help like this. my help isnt "aww, im sad for you, i hope you feel better"
my help is "we can use these to help you out of this situation". anyway, i dont even know why i explained this.
Even thought i hate humanity and find it miserable to he in such state in world, i want to help people that is like me. pathetic, suffering but willing to reach out. Im not trying to reach out myself, thats why im never gettinf out of this shithole.
Im not religious but if there is something called afterlife all the good deeds i do like this wont matter cause i will still go to hell by giving an end to my own life.
i dont know when i will finally do it but my failed attempts have exhausted me. At least i can make money and do what i want for now. As for my little brother, he is miserable. He is just too innocent for this world because he is small yet. Im trying
my best to be the best sister for him. be there when he cries, be there when he is happy, buy him cars, give him figures, play minecraft with him... being a great sister isnt that hard.
because of past traumas i experienced because of him, it was hard for me to be happy in his presence at first.
the effect of him was massive on me when we were both young. his sickness would tire my parents and they would explode on me at nights. i also had pressure from my surroundings, i was trying to look like the best but i was rotting inside. i was only 12 when i first attempted. noone noticed my calls for help, no one wanted to help. i really needed help back then and needed to be noticed.
the struggles im experiencing now isnt something thay diffrent. but ive gotten older, i can tell whats serious and whats not. i just dont give a fuck about anything now but bsck then i was an overthinking maniac.
and all my problems were because of my little brother. i was angry at him for a few years. but time passed. i got tired of caring about life and it slowly turned into apathy. my joy towards life disappeared. i just did whatever i want since i wasnt expecring anything. i didnt do drugs, alcohol or sex. i dont want any of these stupid immature things that shit in your brain more.
im not a bad person. i help people in need, feed animals, dont harm nature and stuff. im the most chill person on earth. you can just scream at my face and i would accept whatever you say. all the harm i cause in life is on myself.