20 04

Nihility comes weak at some points in life.

whenever i ask myself why am i still living i cant find the answer. when i ask my mom whats the point in my life she says "youre a student, just study and thats it". this led me to nihility as long as i can remember with apathy too, but at some points life pressure just becomes too heavy. i feel like a burden. i feel like a disgrace. to my mom, if my lifes purpose is to "be the best student" im failing my life. if its just to live peacefully, i dont think i can live peacefully this way.

M is a close friend of mine. he tells me his secrets and asks for advice. he got a low grade as me. i told him that im going to kill myself and im not joking. he asked me to not to and when i asked why he said im his only close friend. i told him that if i disappear his life would be probably easier for him knowing his secrets are deeply sealed only with him. he didnt say a Word after that. grief is only temporary.

Today i didnt go home after school. I climbed the mountain. I sat down a little. It was too steep, i went back down without reaching the other side of the mountains.